best supporting actress
I thrive best when I am in the supporting role. My seventh grade year, I remember well, I won “best supporting actress” in our little play. It felt so amazing! At the time I didn’t realize how much the word “supporting” rang true in my heart. In high school I was student counsel vice president for two years, always involved but never in charge. I loved to figure out how to help other people’s visions come to life. Even the one year in college when I was president of the student body, I lived that role more as a support to my vice presidents than anything else. My “vision” was more about how to help each one of them succeed at what they set out to accomplish. I love being there as other people celebrate their victories. I might not be good when I have to “go it alone”.
Since learning that KT will not be running with me in San Diego, I have come face to face with this truth about myself. Now, I don’t know what I want out of that race. Before, it was easy. I was going to run with KT stride for stride and encourage her along her journey. I was going to be able to see her accomplish and amazing feat. Coaching and cheer-leading have been both my motivation and my goal.
In this new world, the one where I’m going to run a marathon alone, I am left to form my own goals. What is it that I want to accomplish? How hard do I want to train? How fast do I want to be? Its so hard for me to answer these questions. I know that I am relatively limited. I mean I know that I’m not ready to shoot for a Boston Qualifying run or anything that grand. I do know that I want to be faster than my current PR, which is 4:28. But that still doesn’t really narrow my scope much.
Whenever I think of a time that sounds like a good goal, immediately I’m racked with self doubt. What if I set a goal and don’t reach it? Then it will all be on me. What is the magic number that will both push me to achieve and yet not be so impossible that I end up training myself to death? Exactly how much of my life over the next three months do I want to sacrifice?
Oh the questions! I’ve been downloading so many different training programs, checking out running books from the library, and messing around with different “pace calculators” to try to figure out what to do. This has all proven to confuse me more. I actually feel as lost as I did the first time I decided to run a marathon. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do then either. Except, I knew that I wanted to finish. That was certain. Now, I know that would not be enough. Yes, I expect to finish, but that is not a picture that I can focus my training around. And focus is what I need.
My favorite year playing basketball was my freshman year of college. I got to ride the bench. That didn’t mean that I checked out, in fact it was the year that I was the most engaged with the process. I could watch the game from the sidelines and give tips to my fellow players. I could see the weaknesses in the opponents and try to imagine creative solutions. Maybe this is why I make a good teacher. I get more out of the times when I get to focus on the achievements of others than when I am left with only focusing on what I want.
I prefer the spotlight to be on someone else. This time, I will step out of the shadows and into that blinding light. Alone.
Somewhere under all this fear, I am hopeful that I will grow enough to meet this opportunity.
