running: the dawn

As a runner, I feel a full gamut of emotions as I power through a long run.  I live out a love/hate relationship every time I lace up my shoes.  I often wonder how one activity can awake such a torrent of opposing emotions and experiences.  Sometimes I feel like I must have a split personality.  Maybe I’m related to two-face from Batman…

On my Friday run while I was plowing through the miles I started to think about various dichotomies that coexist in me as a runner.

peace : worry
calm : urgency
joy : pain
accomplishment : disappointment
fear : courage
pride : shame
excitement : terror
exhaustion : energy
heightened awareness : zoned out
in touch with nature : annoyed with weather
prepared : impromptu
agile : stiff
fit : fatigue
fierce : fragile
connected : isolated

Running is the source for all these seemingly contradictory states of being.  Sometimes a run is just joy and ease.  Other days it is all willpower and stress.  Most of the time however the polarizing feelings listed find a way to coexist within me while I run.  I feel consumed by the contradictory.

The biggest challenge about this is trying to explain why I run to those who’ve never experienced how running brings out these conflicting paradigms.  I feel like I can’t ever talk about the downsides, the times I feel depressed because I didn’t run as strong as I wanted to, because that is just enough fuel for the non-runner to hold on to.  That’s what I love about having people who are also runners and understand that even though running can bring me negative emotions, it is also the source of my highest highs.  The feelings of accomplishment just can’t be beat.

What about you?  What does your list include?  I’m sure that we all have things in our lives that bring out an entire spectrum of emotions and experiences.  It is being a mother?  Your job?  Another form of exercise?  What contradictions do you live?