running: the dawn

As I run, I learn.  I learn about my body and its needs.  I learn about myself and the strength that lies within.  I learn about how to push myself and succeed.  I learn about nature.  I learn about friendship.  I learn about life.

One of the lessons that I learned this week was how to forgive myself when I fail.

Maybe to classify this week as a failure seems somewhat melodramatic, but that’s what it was.  I wasn’t battling an injury, I wasn’t any more busy than I’ve been all along, there isn’t a scapegoat.  It was just me not doing what I set out to do.  Every week, I have goals I have a schedule posted on my refrigerator and it spells out for me what success and failure both look like.  I have workouts that I plan to do, paces that I plan to hit, and a weekly mileage mark that I plan to run.  If I meet or exceed these perimeters, I win.  If not….I come down on myself pretty hard.

Yesterday I had a choice.  I was done with work by 2:30 and I could have gone for a run.  I wanted to make a trip to the running store an hour away, but I could easily have done both.  I made preparations for running on a trail between home and the store.  I got my stuff together and packed it in the car.  True, I spent a little more time discussing my race-day shoes with the salesman than I anticipated, but there was still time to put in at least a few miles.  But I didn’t.  I choose not to.  I ended my week with 10 fewer miles than I had planned.

At first I started going through all the reasons why its ok to not run the miles: its almost taper time anyway, I need to rest for the 20-miler on Sunday, I don’t feel 100%…  But all those reasons just fall flat.  The truth is I didn’t do the miles.  Period.  I’m disappointed and don’t have a good excuse.

Today I woke up.  Stretched.  And forgave myself.  I choose to not be haunted by what I left undone.  I choose to not dwell on my shortcomings.  Instead I choose to look ahead.  I choose to feel confident about my training.

I have learned to forgive myself, without excuse.

This week’s mileage:
Sunday: 17
Monday: 5
Tuesday: 7
Wednesday: 0
Thursday: 10
Friday: 0

Total: 39