faking it
Usually I am upbeat and positive about my life and my running. I believe in limitless potential and the power of a good attitude. I strongly believe that I am capable of anything that I put my mind to.
The only problem is that I must put my mind to something. I must choose to want to better myself. And honestly, right now, I don’t feel like I have that drive. At least not when it comes to running.
I feel like a faker.
In the spirit of full disclosure here are my confessions:
- I don’t really care if I get any faster. I was so single minded last year about improving my times, I’m pretty much done caring about it. This makes it hard for me to do speed work. I end up avoiding these workouts and wishing that I could just go on a nice easy 5 mile run. Just because.
- I don’t really care about running races. I keep saying that I haven’t put any other races on my calendar because I want to focus on Boston, and that’s probably 75% of my real reasoning. The other 25% is that I don’t really feel a drive to race…which I’m sure is related to not caring if I run any faster.
I always imagined that if I cared less, I would feel less guilt. Makes sense, right? However, even though I don’t care about things right now…I still feel guilt. I feel guilty because I’m afraid that I’m not the type of person that “should” run Boston. I’m scared that my underachieving attitude will offend my running community.
Maybe those competitive juices will come back to me someday. I’m sure I’ll lust after a 3:30 marathon eventually. But, being completely honest with myself and you, it’s just not me. At least not now.
So, what now? I’m still going to run. I’m still going to train. I still CANNOT wait to run Boston in 76 days!!! But if I’m not focused on getting better at running, what will I spend my time and energy doing? Right now, I don’t have a real answer to that question, but I figure it will be fun to explore the possibilities.
Instead of obsessing over my splits, laps time, and intervals…here are the things that have given me joy lately:
- Cat napping in the sunshine on the floor of my living room yesterday.
- Playing Clue with Mr. Dawn, K-Mo, and J-Money (it was Mr. Plum, in the Conservatory, with the lead pipe)
- Having Friday dinner with Mr. Dawn, he did the shopping I did the cooking
- Video chatting with Mom and Dad Saturday morning
- Talking to my BFF about her upcoming move back to the midwest
I still believe in my limitless potential. I just need to find a goal to focus on and be inspired by. Any suggestions?
I don’t think you need to find a focus. I have gone through phases of being very focused on improving times and running races, and then gone through exactly what you are now. It comes back around. I really think that if you “force” yourself to care more now, you’ll just get burned out. Also, is there something new athletic-wise that you can add to your life? When I started doing triathlons it was a like a breath of fresh air into my mindset about working out and running.
Girl I think everyone hits that plateau feeling at some point, especially after you focused much of last year on qualifying. You’re not going to offend the running community and you most certainly earned the right to be there running! Why not take an easy week this week to re-energize your mind, body and spirit?
I think the way you are feeling makes perfect sense after a big year and BQ. I am not even close to qualifying and yet I find myself wondering, if/when it does happen will I still have the drive to push myself after?
Oh gosh it’s perfectly natural and more than reasonable to feel this way. I totally get what you’re saying and have been there/am there as well. I think it’s unreasonable to expect one to maintain a high level of intensity in anything for a prolonged period of time. After Boston I found myself so not caring about pace, other races, etc but just wanted to run joyfully.
You’re right though filling that ‘void’ with something equally fulfilling, enjoyable and constrctive can be a challenge.
I couldn’t have worded it any better than Morgan! Girl, you inspire me every day and of COURSE you deserve to be at Boston! It’s tough to work through the rough patches in marathon training (we’ve all been there!), so run whatever makes you happy for a while. Hit refresh
You are certainly NOT the only person feeling that way lately. Several of the blogs I read (and mine as well) have been discussing this. I think it is really hard to be motivated this time of the year. I think it’s great that you’ve found joy in other things. I think as a runner sometimes we get too focused on running and can’t see anything else, but then you take a long walk, hike or ride your bike and realize that it’s fun too. And I know for me I am trying to balance things out a bit more. I still love running but I do think I will do less of it and incorporate other things as well.
Oh and you “should” run Boston because, well girl, you qualified! So that’s your “should” right there. Doesn’t mean that you have to eat, breath, sweat running.
Just taking a stab here: you recently reached a HUGE goal and that kind of thing sometimes can be draining…Add in a major shift with work responsibilities, and what appears to be a perfectly content life in every other aspect. It sounds like you have a good reason to just relax and enjoy where you are at, get used to the new work changes, and enjoy the journey you are on with running. NO ONE is going to de-BQ you, so smile proudly at your major accomplishment. You earned it!
Also- This is just a little side note…I find that i am highly motivated by adversity- to a degree. And also by encouragement. I was thinking on posting about motivation today as well. Is it better to have HIGH motivation, but for the wrong reasons, or to have little motivation? There is my struggle lately..
no matter what speed you run, i think it’s hard alot of the time for runners to remember that we are not all professionals. we get so caught up in improving and exceling above our standards that sometimes it’s not as fun. it’s ok to step back and just run for the pleasure of running!
It sounds like last year was a really intense year on the racing and training front, so I think it totally makes sense that there’s a drop-off now. Like you said, someday it’ll probably come back with a vengeance – for now, I’m glad you’re allowing yourself the time to enjoy without stressing (too much).
Sounds like you’re getting greedy. Want the cake and eat it too, or something like that.
It’ll come (the running). God has blessed you. You’re in a great spot judging by those last joys you listed. The speed will come.
I agree with most of the comments here – sounds like you need a bit of a break. maybe after boston, take a little time off running to recharge, or at least take time away from a training schedule and just run wherever and whenever you want? your groove will come back.
i am soooo feeling you right now! I have been so stressed with work and some personal things that I just can’t wrap my mind around focusing on doing things better… and yet I know that nothing makes me feel happier than having things to strive for. I decided to just focus on little daily things for right now and like you take in the other small moments. Ebb and flow.
It is absolutely OK to feel what you’re feeling now. I think you may be on to something, though, with that list you put up. Maybe after Boston, it will be time to step back a bit and focus on the little things in your life that bring you joy. Maybe even once a week, you can go out on a run and not even think about how far you’re going to go or how fast it is, but what interesting things you might see along the way, or what cool conversation you might have with your running partner.
And you are 100% not a faker. That BQ is real. Your undeniable awesomeness is also real. Your feelings are real. No faking at all.
What a candid post!! Motivation flutuates with me too. I don’t think there is any negative to racing Boston and running just to run after that. You know those competitive juices will return!
I lust after a 3:30 too…but I am SO FAR AWAY!! YOu are amazing!
Wow!! We are twins….must be this time of year too but I feel for you woman. I love that you are being honest with yourself. You are NOT A FAKER!!! Who knows how you will feel next month either (I change day to day!). Seriously, we all need to figure out WHY we run and if it isn’t to race…who cares. You do it for you and do it at whatever pace you want. I think you are going to surprise yourself at Boston though! You are so talented and have so much going on in your life….remember that you need to do what makes YOU happy. No need to do other races if you don’t feel like it! You are the greatest and I think the world of you!! VIRTUAL HUGS!!!!!
I think you’re just being directed to strengthen your “perseverance” muscles. When you’re doing something because you’re highly motivated, that’s great but it’s not perseverance. Perseverance is when you do it in spite of not feeling much like doing it. Hang in there, it’s just a cycle if you persevere; it’s “era over” if you don’t.
PS, I may never write “perseverance” again!
here’s what i don’t get: why people think that if you’re not running races, trying to improve times, etc. that you’re not serious about your running. i say HOLLA to you! i’ve never run a race and don’t want to. i run as long and as fast or slow as i want and just don’t worry about it anymore. it’s so liberating.
since i quit spending so much time and energy working on my running i’ve started doing a lot of yoga (and my body looks 10x better!) and now i’m focusing on learning how to shop and cook vegan.
but if your competitive drive comes back, more power to ya!
You’ve had a big year. Let this race be enjoyed as you want it to, right? There will be many other that you can focus on speed, etc. Love that you have that mentality!
LC
You are not a faker! I actually think you’re pretty darn normal — well, at least this feeling is.
Just to show you you’re not alone — I’ve gone through this cycle many times in my life. I ran races for years. I was driven by a need to improve my time, and worried about each and every workout. Then I graduated college and stopped caring. I stopped doing races altogether, but I didn’t stop running (and it didn’t mean I was no longer a “runner.”) When I started feeling the motivation and itch coming back (as it usually does), I signed up for my first marathon. It wasn’t until after I did that first one that I felt the need to get faster come back. I made it my new goal to qualify for Boston. I worked so hard to improve my marathon time — I pretty much ate, slept and breathed marathon training. Qualifying was literally one of the happiest moments of my life (as silly as that may sound). I was so psyched to be able to run Boston. But, like you, for some reason the desire to attack the training in the same way disappeared. I don’t know if part of it was burn out from working so hard in the fall, and I’m sure a lot of it had to do with everything else going on in my life at the time. But you know the great part about all of it — I just relaxed and enjoyed running for running’s sake. My goal was to run the marathon for fun. I had worked so hard to get into it, why waste the entire training cycle and race day stressing about my time?? No one is going to think less of you as a runner if you run Boston slower…or doubt that you should’ve gotten in. You qualified just like everyone else. So own it!! If you don’t want to run a fast(er) Boston marathon, then don’t. I bet you are going to LOVE the race either way. It is unlike any other marathon…so just soak it up and enjoy it.
Anyway, I realize this comment is extremely long and rambling (I apologize) but I just hope you don’t get down on yourself. I totally know what you’re going through!! Maybe your new goal should be something totally unrelated to how fast you run (or running at all)?
Its the weather…. running is the last thing on my mind. I dont care if i run slower than slow at any marathon. Life is too snowy to worry about speed right now.
Keep on being awesome… your good at it! xoxo
You really leave the best comments:)
Oh my, I’m relating to this post A LOT. Not necessarily at this point but at different points of my short running “career”.
I liked reading the comments here as well as your post. Small Town Runner made a good one:) All of your feelings are so normal right now. Your competitive drive will definitely come back, that’s a given but for now just keep doing what you’re doing and enjoy the fact that you don’t feel the whip behind you!! You are most definitely NOT a faker:)
I’ve been playing Clue nonstop with the kids lately! They love it! Hope you have a great day:)
I can SO relate to every word in your post. Especially that you question whether you “should” run Boston. Can’t believe you took the thoughts right out of my head! But you know, I’ve been really trying to catch those thoughts and make them do a 180 because ANYONE deserves to run Boston if they qualified and even if they are running for good cause/charity. We aren’t all going to come first across that line and everyone knows it. In fact, a lot of people running Boston have run it before and so they dilly-dally, taking photos and enjoy the experience.
I’m not doing so great with my training this year. My motivation just isn’t there. I’ve resolved to simply enjoy my Boston experience. I qualified. I proved to myself I was worthy. Now I’m going to enjoy it and take it all in. If I don’t, I might miss too much along the way and regret it.
As for the other points you touched on regarding basically goals, as the weather improves you’ll find new motivations and new goals. You’ll move forward in progress again. Stay positive.
Nooo dont crush my dreams I need the blizzard!!! Haha but knowing my job they will still make me come in even though no one in downtown Chicago is going to work out in a blizzard! And trust me 2:30 was a fluke i can barely stay out past midnight and I am only 22!
As for motivation I feel your pain..it took me four years to get the desire to run again after high school xc and track. I say just do your best with what you have planned and then if you get the desire to try something new go for it..even if its not running related. Maybe even takig a break from running and trying a new sport will bring back some motivation!
it’s hard to feel real drive when there is 100 feet of snow on the ground.
as for a new goal, how about running a race just for fun and having a good time? i’m a penguin, so that’s pretty much every race for me. lol.
btw: i thought about you at the grocery store the other day. i bought hershey’s special dark syrup for chocolate milk. seriously amazing!
You have runners fatigue…it isn’t physical it is mental which is worse than physical. I am there and have put on 18 lbs.. Figure a way out of it before you get to where I am at:) Oh I need to get back to the streets…I just can’t bring myself to do it. That is my honest give.
okay, I totally left a long comment on this last night…hmmm, maybe it didn’t go through. Or did you delete it?