running: the dawn

So, this entire time, I’ve been under the impression that I have 4 20-milers on my schedule.  That is a HUGE jump for me up from just 2 for my last two cycles.  Well, I’ve been wrong.  Upon further investigation I discovered that I don’t have 4, but rather 5!  Eeep.  Good one Dawn.  Way to be ontop of that whole counting thing…  But I guess now would be the best time for me to find that out…since I just finished my 3rd one yesterday. Its good to know that I’m half way done with my 20′s.

That’s right, 3 20-milers DONE!

This one was probably the easiest.  Mainly because of my s.l.o.w. pace.  I’ve been trying to slow down my long runs because they’ve been wearing me out so much lately.  Its so hard for me to keep my pace controlled when its just me and the open road, so I found a buddy to run with me.  She’s currently training for marathon #2.  Her schedule is all over the place so she doesn’t run all that often.  She had a 9-miler that she needed to do and I figured it would be just the thing to keep my legs in check.

It was chilly, but not super cold when we set out at 10am.  The nine miles pasted fairly easily.  She wanted to walk up all the hills and take it fairly easy.  We ended up with an average pace around 12:00 including all the walking.  We chatted about life and relationships and running and marathons.  You know, the usual .

Then after a quick pit stop at my house I was back out to do the 11 mile loop solo.  It was  uneventful.  I think running the first half so slowly helped me to keep the pace in check.  I did the second part with an average of 9:00 per mile.

That brings me to this:

• 7 weeks til Boston!
• 4 weeks til the taper begins
• 2 more 20-milers
• 3 weeks of taper

Seriously.  When I think about the time as “weeks til taper” I start to get super excited!!!!  I mean, right now I feel like things are going really well.  I feel like I’ve rediscovered my love of running in the past few weeks, especially since I have geared down on my speed goals.  I’ve just been running with joy and spending time with friends.  It’s been awesome.  And the sun has been returning to us here in the gloomy north.  I can feel spring creeping in slowly and I cannot wait!

I deleted my Facebook.

Shocking, I know.

I have been thinking about how hard it is to build and maintain quality relationships.  How easy it is to feel disconnected from people that I live near.  I was using facebook (and other social media) to try to feel close to people that I live far away from to the neglect of people that surround me in my life here.  I want to live life fully and be invested as much as I can with the local community that I find myself a part of…and I haven’t been.

Also, when I browse through my news feed, I feel pulled into “past lives” that I no longer am a part of.  When I see friends that I’m not as close with I feel overwhelmed with guilt.  I think to myself, “I should call her.”  Then, when I don’t, I feel more ashamed because I realize I’ve let a friendship die.

The last straw for me was realizing that facebook is the only place where all my pasts collide.  I’m friends with people who I’ve taught, knew in elementary school, did gymnastics with, played basketball with….past versions of myself that I don’t feel like carrying around everyday.  I want to be who I am now.  Today.  Here.  Facebook has been the place where I am forced remember who I was when I worked at camp.  The mistakes I made in college.  The horrible haircut I had in fourth grade (yes, there were pictures and yes I was tagged in them).

True, eliminating that one site from my bookmark list won’t solve all these problems, but its a step I needed to take for me.  A step that I’m hoping helps me live in the moment and rejoice over the blessed life that I have.

Lately I feel like all I’ve been doing is playing catch up.  I have stack of papers to grade, recommendations to write, blogs to catch up on, grocery lists, laundry piles….and the list goes on.  I hate feeling like I start every day one step behind.

Luckily, amidst all this chaos, I’ve been able to continue to run and had some pretty outstanding workouts.

• 18 miles of bliss ran solo in 47 degrees @8:46 pace
• recovery run with KT
• 3 mile tempo at 7:22 with the Gazelle
• track workout with KT: 2x(6×400) with the 400′s staying in the lower 1:30 range
• 13 mile long run while traveling out of town @8:27 pace
• Jazzercise (of course) multiple times, even once at home so I could keep the laundry going before our trip

I feel like I’m experiencing a weird blend of feeling pure contentment with life as a whole and feeling overwhelmed in several areas of my life.  When I’m able to step back and think about everything as a whole, my cup of joy is overflowing.  But when I wake up on any particular day I feel like there are not enough minutes to get everything done that I want to do.

Thank you so much to everyone who has emailed, commented, and/or facebook’d me wondering if everything is ok!  I feel so loved   I will not be out of touch forever, I promise!  I have a lot of catching up to do on blogs….I can’t wait to see what I’ve been missing!

So, with all my down-er attitude lately, apparently I haven’t been that fun to live with.  This afternoon Mr. Dawn asked, “Are you going to Jazzercise?”  Quickly followed by, “I think you should.”  Implying that I need a little endorphin boost, shaking my groove thing to my favorite songs.  I took the hint, sweated out the grumps and I’m feeling 100% better.

And now I think it’s time that I start focusing on the positive.  A few weeks ago, while running with the Gazelle, we started listing off our favorite things about running in the wintertime.  Here’s what we’ve come up with so far:

1. Less body glide. Yes, I still sweat in the winter, but not NEARLY as much.  So there is far less chafing which leads to a decline in the need for lathering on layer after layer like I do in the summer months.
2. Pockets for storage. I love wearing a jacket and/or tights with little storage compartments already built in.  I don’t have to use my spibelt or ifitness belt but I can still have my ipod, phone, and gels all accessible.
3. Wearing clothes multiple times. Ok, so that might be gross to some, but with less sweating there is less stinking and I can usually get a couple wears out of each item.  And sign me up for less laundry any day!
4. Solid precipitation. In the winter, if something is falling from the sky, its almost always snow.  Snow does not soak into my clothes or make me feel like I’m carrying around 10 extra pounds of water like it does when I run in the rain.  Snow beats rain any day.
5. Frozen gels.  I LOVE cold Gu.  Seriously, it tastes even better when its slightly frozen and a little thicker.  It’s easier to swallow too, without coating every single corner of my mouth.
6. Feeling hardcore. There’s nothing like running through a semi-blizzard while everyone else in bundled up inside to make me feel like a warrior.  Sure, people look at me like I’m completely nuts, but that just adds to the fun of it all.
7. Ice baths don’t feel as miserable. Seriously.  On Sunday, after my miserable run, the ice bath felt just slightly colder than I had been for three hours outside.  I didn’t even flinch getting in.  And really, one might argue that you don’t need an ice bath at all since you basically run in an ice bath the entire time!
8. Hot chocolate recovery drinks.  Ok, so this I tried for the first time this weekend, but I kind of loved it.  I took a dark hot chocolate packet, mixed it with two tablespoons of chocolate rice protein powder and drank that while in my ice bath.  Best. Idea. Ever.
9. Resistance training. Cause running on slippery slushy roads is almost identical to running on sand.  And we all can agree that running on sand is crazy hard.  So, I’m getting double returns on my investment, right?  Don’t answer that.
10. The scenery. I love fresh fallen snow.  I love snow covered trees.  There is seriously nothing more quite and peaceful than running in snow.  The layer of snow dampens the sounds and makes everything feel a little more magical.  Like Narnia.  But without the witch…

There you have it.  My reasons to love running in the winter months.  Do you have any to add to the list?

There’s about a million blog titles that I thought of while running today:

“The worst 20 miler ever”

“The day that running betrayed me”

“Why do I do this to myself?”

“Isolated and alone”

OK, so maybe I’m being a little melodramatic.  I may have been way into theater in high school and college.  I may tend to over dramatize my every day life.  I may embellish stories to make a point.  But I do know that this will go down in my memory as one of the hardest runs that I have ever done in training.

It started this morning while I was sitting on the couch watching the snow fall like crazy.  For hours.  A fresh 2 inches of snow did not make me want to get up and go.  At one point in time, I think I was actually curled up in the fetal position on my bed telling Mr. Dawn that I was NOT going to run outside today.  But then it stopped snowing and I knew that I would feel more accomplished if I went out and faced my fears.

My main fear was that I was facing this 20-miler all by myself.  This would be the first 20 miler since 2005 when I was training for my first marathon.  Since then, I’ve been blessed with running buddies on all of my long runs.  There have been long runs that I have done some or most of the miles by myself, but my longest solo run stood at 16 miles.  Until today.

By the time I actually started it was snowing again.  Not much, but enough to make me wish that I had goggles or glasses or something to protect my eyes.  I started passing the time by counting how many snowflakes landed in my eyes.

On the positive side, I love my 20 mile route.  I’ve run it 3 or 4 times in the last year, and I just LOVE it!  I zig-zag through the back country roads heading in one direction for only 2 miles at a time.  I never run on the same section of road more than once and I get to run on some pretty killer hills.  The furthest section is my favorite, a dirt road that winds around a beautifully hidden lake.  And with the snow, I dealt with very few cars.

Mentally, I was beat before I even started.  Usually I get into a nice groove a couple miles in and feel like I could run forever.  That “zone” never came today.  I felt each step.  I had to decide to pick up and put down my feet every single time.  At first my laces were too loose, then I tightened them too much but didn’t want to stop and fix it.

I ran out of water at mile 11.  And that is what broke my spirit.  I texted Mr. Dawn to let him know that I’d reached the turn around and was headed home…but I was running on empty.  Three miles later I lost all faith in myself.  I desperately wanted something to drink and felt like a complete failure.

I have never felt this isolated during a run.  Running is usually a friend, and even when I am by myself I never feel alone.  Except for today.  I hadn’t seen another person in two hours.  I felt so lonely and defeated.  I badly wanted to sit down in the snow bank and just cry.  I pulled out my phone to text Mr. Dawn to come and get me and while I was fumbling with the keyboard, I got an incoming call from him.

“Where are you?” He asked.  I croaked out my answer.  “I’ll be there in a minute.”  He brought me water.  He told me that I was going to make it.  I drank half my handheld, filled it again, stretched my legs, and started to believe his words.  One thing I love about my husband–he has learned exactly what to say to me as a runner.  He never says “You’re almost done!” or “Its easy” or “You’ve done this before!”  He knows to say, “You are looking strong,” and “I believe in you.”

The last six miles were no cake walk, but I felt so much better after seeing him and getting more water.  I always end my long runs about a half mile from home so I can walk a bit.  Today, this was NOT a good idea.  That walk home was miserable.  My legs were completely dead and it was all I could do to keep from sitting down.

I got home, took an ice bath (Mr. Dawn had also stopped to buy me ice!), and ate.  I’m starting to feel more like myself.  But I’m sure I won’t soon forget this run.  Luckily I have a step back week coming and three weeks until my next 20-miler.

During a hard run, what do you most NEED to hear?
I mostly need people to reassure me that I don’t look tired, that my form is still strong, and that they believe in me.

Mr. Dawn is sick.  And its not just sniffles and a cough every now-and-then.  It’s a full blown infection…in the lungs!  So scary!  He has his antibiotics and has been ordered to rest, stay inside, and do nothing.

So, in the last 24 hours I’ve made him soup and tea, kept him comfortable, played games when he felt up to it, and just generally been an awesome wife.  Although I’m pretty sure that I still owe him plenty for all the early morning races, buying me countless pounds of ice for my long run ice-baths, spending lots of money on running gadgets that he has no use for, listening to me talk on and on about paces, pr’s, bq-ing, and other things that no non-runner has any interest in.

This week was a decent one running-wise.  Even though I had a little emotional set back early in the week, I was still able to get my runs in and even tacked on a couple extra miles on my Wednesday run thanks to school being canceled for the day.  I’m still feeling under motivated in the speed department and overmotivated in the eating junk food department.  Hopefully that is just a mid-winter blues effect and will soon pass on…let’s hope!

Now, we’re playing Oregon Trail on facebook and catching up on our TV shows online.  Party animals!!!

It’s amazing what you can find out when you spend all day on your computer…In the news: Stefaan Engles ran 365 marathons in 365 days! Oh, and Shalane won the USATF Cross Country Championship!!