running: the dawn

I deleted my Facebook.

Shocking, I know.

I have been thinking about how hard it is to build and maintain quality relationships.  How easy it is to feel disconnected from people that I live near.  I was using facebook (and other social media) to try to feel close to people that I live far away from to the neglect of people that surround me in my life here.  I want to live life fully and be invested as much as I can with the local community that I find myself a part of…and I haven’t been.

Also, when I browse through my news feed, I feel pulled into “past lives” that I no longer am a part of.  When I see friends that I’m not as close with I feel overwhelmed with guilt.  I think to myself, “I should call her.”  Then, when I don’t, I feel more ashamed because I realize I’ve let a friendship die.

The last straw for me was realizing that facebook is the only place where all my pasts collide.  I’m friends with people who I’ve taught, knew in elementary school, did gymnastics with, played basketball with….past versions of myself that I don’t feel like carrying around everyday.  I want to be who I am now.  Today.  Here.  Facebook has been the place where I am forced remember who I was when I worked at camp.  The mistakes I made in college.  The horrible haircut I had in fourth grade (yes, there were pictures and yes I was tagged in them).

True, eliminating that one site from my bookmark list won’t solve all these problems, but its a step I needed to take for me.  A step that I’m hoping helps me live in the moment and rejoice over the blessed life that I have.

Usually I am upbeat and positive about my life and my running.  I believe in limitless potential and the power of a good attitude.  I strongly believe that I am capable of anything that I put my mind to.

The only problem is that I must put my mind to something.  I must choose to want to better myself.  And honestly, right now, I don’t feel like I have that drive.  At least not when it comes to running.

I feel like a faker.

In the spirit of full disclosure here are my confessions:

• I don’t really care if I get any faster. I was so single minded last year about improving my times, I’m pretty much done caring about it.  This makes it hard for me to do speed work.  I end up avoiding these workouts and wishing that I could just go on a nice easy 5 mile run.  Just because.
• I don’t really care about running races. I keep saying that I haven’t put any other races on my calendar because I want to focus on Boston, and that’s probably 75% of my real reasoning.  The other 25% is that I don’t really feel a drive to race…which I’m sure is related to not caring if I run any faster.

I always imagined that if I cared less, I would feel less guilt.  Makes sense, right?  However, even though I don’t care about things right now…I still feel guilt.  I feel guilty because I’m afraid that I’m not the type of person that “should” run Boston.  I’m scared that my underachieving attitude will offend my running community.

Maybe those competitive juices will come back to me someday.  I’m sure I’ll lust after a 3:30 marathon eventually.  But, being completely honest with myself and you, it’s just not me.  At least not now.

So, what now?  I’m still going to run.  I’m still going to train.  I still CANNOT wait to run Boston in 76 days!!!  But if I’m not focused on getting better at running, what will I spend my time and energy doing?  Right now, I don’t have a real answer to that question, but I figure it will be fun to explore the possibilities.

Instead of obsessing over my splits, laps time, and intervals…here are the things that have given me joy lately:

• Cat napping in the sunshine on the floor of my living room yesterday.
• Playing Clue with Mr. Dawn, K-Mo, and J-Money (it was Mr. Plum, in the Conservatory, with the lead pipe)
• Having Friday dinner with Mr. Dawn, he did the shopping I did the cooking
• Video chatting with Mom and Dad Saturday morning
• Talking to my BFF about her upcoming move back to the midwest

I still believe in my limitless potential.  I just need to find a goal to focus on and be inspired by.  Any suggestions?

Wow.  Another year?  Seriously?

My favorite thing about this time of year is looking back over the past 365 days and remembering the highs and lows, hoping to learn and grow from another year in the school of life.  I love reminiscing, “at this time last year…”

On that note….

This time last year I was getting ready to take running seriously again.  It had been 4 years since my last full marathon and only three races, two half-mary’s and a 15k, had filled the in-between years.  I talked my dear friend KT into training for a marathon and was beside myself with energy and joy to be reentering the world of running. I got to work figuring out a long run schedule for us to follow that lead from January to June where we would run the San Diego RnR Marathon.

Then, shortly after the first of the year I discovered running blogs.  And a whole new world opened up to me.  I remember an entire weekend devoted to scouring the web for race reports and drinking in the stories of marathons gone by.  I was enraptured.  Something about reading the stories of so many like-minded people who share their wisdom and would allow me to learn from their experiences.  Within a few days I knew that I needed to start giving back to a world that was giving me so much.  So I began my blog.  I had no idea what would happen from there…

• KT ended up not being able to run in San Diego
• I struggled with setting my own goals
• I decided to try and get a sub-4 marathon
• I trained with Pete Pfitz
• I watched Boston

*pause for a brief author’s note*
The day after the Boston Marathon I had a sit down chat with Mr. Dawn.  I haven’t ever written about this particular conversation on my blog, but I think its interesting to throw it in here.  I’ve always had Boston in the back of my mind.  I even remember, shortly after my first marathon in 2006, saying to a few very select people that I would love to run the Boston Marathon before I turned 30 (which obviously didn’t happen).  And then, for some reason, Boston 2010 enchanted me in a way that I can’t really explain.

Anyway, after I got home from school that day, Mr. Dawn gave me Gigit (the Garmin) with a note attached “Hope this helps with your BQ!”  I was breathless.  He believes I can do it?!?  Really?  He was studying outside so I went out to join him in the sunshine.  We talked about my upcoming San Diego Marathon and I told him that if I was able to get under 4 hours then I would try to qualify at a fall marathon.  “Where?” he asked.  “Grand Rapids.”  “No, I mean where do you want to stay in Boston?”  Like it was already a done deal.  It’s so amazing to have a husband who is supportive and believes in me more that I do.  Especially considering that this conversation happened while my best marathon time was 4:28.  I would have to knock 50 minutes off my PR (which wasn’t my most recent attempt!).

Anyway, back to the timeline:

• I finished San Diego in 3:58, a 30-minute PR
• I ran through the heat of the summer
• I found a new FAST running buddy
• We ran a race together and met some friends along the way
• I qualified for Boston taking another 18 minutes off my PR
• I registered for Boston

Wow.  That’s all I can say.  This year has been amazing.  I can’t believe what a difference 365 days has made.  I have so much to look forward to in 2011: plans, goals, travels, and even some changes….but for now I’m content to look back and celebrate all that 2010 was for me.  I started the year as a 4:28 marathoner, and here I am qualified and headed to Boston!!!!

I am so thankful for and to the community of runners and supporters that I have.  Thank you all for being a part of this journey and I can’t wait to continue to learn from each of you!!!

I just removed the last bit of blister induced dead skin from my feet.  The final tangible reminder of my recent 26.2 jaunt.  The physical healing is almost complete, meanwhile the emotional and mental muscles could still use a good stretch.  As I clipped away the last bit of the old skin off to give room for the new skin to grow I decided that this would be the last day that I rehash my marathon.  After today, it’s time to move on to the next challenge.

I have a really difficult time rejoicing over victories.  In the hours and days after Grand Rapids, I had a struggled to reply when people would say to me, “How excited are you?” and “I bet you’re on cloud 9!” and “Congratulations!”  I would immediately down play the whole ordeal and undermine my accomplishment with responses like, “Yea, I just barely squeaked by,” or “I don’t know how I did that!”  But now, with over a week between me and the race, I have started to feel more celebratory.  This perspective has come for two main reasons:

1. This weekend I saw my high school PE teacher Mrs. M.  She’s been keeping up with my running journey on facebook and she was SO thrilled with my time at the marathon.  She then decided to look up my fastest mile time from high school.  Now, do not be fooled.  I was NOT a runner in high school.  I detested the mile run that we had to do at the beginning of the school year.  It was pure evil.  And I’m pretty sure that I complained about it like it was my own personal death march.  We got graded on our speed as it compared to the “Presidential Fitness” test.  One year she actually had the boys come and run with some of us girls to “motivate” us to get a better grade.  I was so angry that I had to run with one of the fastest guys with him yelling at me to “run faster!”  However, it worked and I got my fastest mile that day: 8:07.  HA!  That’s how fast I ran mile 26 of my marathon!!!  Talk about growth!
2. Last year, in September I returned to running after taking 2 years off.  It was hard and not pretty.  I had a really rough time finding motivation to get out there and log the miles.  So my running sister Andi and I decided to “challenge” each other through the Nike+ website.  The first challenge was to see who could run more miles in 30 days.  She won that one (I blame the time difference, since she could wait until I went to sleep on the east coast and then go run just enough to beat me, since she lived on the west coast, but whatever ).  Then we decided to do a speed challenge: who could run a faster 2 miles.  It was SOOOO hard!  I would go out every afternoon and find the flattest route and sprint for all I was worth for two miles.  My fastest time–the time that won?  17:05.  Which breaks down to 8:33 per mile.  That was me running all out for two miles.  Exactly 8 seconds per mile SLOWER than my average pace for 26.2 miles!

I may have dreamed about running Boston “someday” when I first started running 6 years ago.  But that dream seemed like it was made out of fairies and pixie dust.  Especially since I  ran 11+ minute miles for my first half marathon.  And when I take a moment and really think about how far I’ve come, I realize that this accomplishment deserves little moment of celebration.  I hope that when my time comes and I’m standing at the starting line of the Boston Marathon I take a moment and think about all the time I thought it was impossible.  Think about all the struggles I had along the way and soak in every second of that race.

Over the years I’ve built up emotional callouses.  Thickened my skin so that I wouldn’t get hurt if I fail.  My callouses protect me and keep me from unnecessary pain.  But this time?  I didn’t fail.  My thick skin just caused a blister full of pent up excitement, expectation, joy, and accomplishment.  Now, with the new skin on my toes, there is also the fresh new skin of a whole new me.  A me that I believe in.  A me that goes after the impossible goal.  A me that, in 174 days, will run the Boston Marathon.

**ok…now I can actually move on and start writing about something and/or everything else!**

I am half way through my self-imposed two weeks off from running.  I did this after San Diego to regroup and recover fully before entering into the intense quest for a BQ.  It paid off huge, and I’m pretty sure that from now on I will follow any race-effort marathon with a two week hiatus from the running scene.

So, what am I doing with all my time?  Well…. Jazzercise, of course!  We have a new instructor at our little center, which is terribly exciting.  I’m toying with the idea of bumping up my weights that I use to shock my muscles into new growth.  Oh, and I’ve been looking for another cardio activity to add into the mix during this, my off-season.  My brother has been doing the Insanity DVD’s and LOVEs them.

The other thing that I’m going to do with my time is map out my training plan for Boston.  Here’s my dilemma: I know that Boston is a challenging course so I’m not sure that going for a PR is within reason.  So, I want to have a spring marathon that I can run all out and hopefully get a 3:35 (yes, I’m addicted to goals).  Morgan from Red Head Running is planning on doing the Cleveland Marathon and going for a BQ.  I would love to train and run it with her, but I’m not sure how to balance the two marathons.  Cleveland is three weeks after Boston.  Right now my idea is that I will do a full 18-week training cycle for the spring, but I’m not sure if I should start it so that it ends at Boston, then just “maintain” in the weeks in between time.  Or if I should have the 18 weeks end on May 15, and run Boston as my final long run towards Cleveland?  The drawback to doing that is that I will be at my peak mileage when Boston happens, so I’d be running on tired legs.  The plus would be that I would be in prime condition for Cleveland.  UGH…what to do…

The final thing that I am planning on doing these two weeks is developing a budget for our trip to Boston.  We’ve been discussing the possibility of going to the Boston Marathon since April of last year.  Knowing that it’s going to hit our bank accounts hard we’re trying to be as economical about it as possible.  At the same time, I’m not sure if I will ever be returning to run the most famous marathon, so I want to take full advantage of the opportunity.  I do better when I have all the numbers in front of me.  Then I know how much to set aside so the trip isn’t a burden and I sleep better at night.  Have I ever mentioned how much I love Google docs?  Mr. Dawn and I do all of our budgeting on there so that we can both see and edit the spreadsheets.  Its fabulous.

Yesterday I read an article that a friend posted on Facebook.  It was about elite athletes and their ability to push themselves despite the pain.  It mentioned their mental focus and the ability to train their bodies at and to their limits.  That wasn’t the part that caught my attention though.

“Some think elite athletes have an easy time of it,” Dr. Swart said in a telephone interview. Nothing could be further from the truth. And as athletes improve — getting faster and beating their own records — “it never gets any easier,” Dr. Swart said. “You hurt just as much.” But, he added, “Knowing how to accept that allows people to improve their performance.” (source)

This actually makes me feel better in a weird sort of way.  I don’t know why I had it stuck in my head that running would get “easier” that somehow faster meant I would be more fit and therefore things would come easier.  But it makes sense.  If I’m pushing myself, getting better and stronger, I should continue to perform and race at the edge of my limitations.  Ergo running will continue to be difficult.  Unless I back off and remain satisfied with lesser performance (which doesn’t seem like me…).  The article goes on:

“Our hypothesis is that elite athletes are able to motivate themselves continuously and are able to run the gantlet between pushing too hard — and failing to finish — and underperforming,” Dr. Swart said. To find this motivation, the athletes must resist the feeling that they are too tired and have to slow down, he added. Instead, they have to concentrate on increasing the intensity of their effort. That, Dr. Swart said, takes “mental strength,” but “allows them to perform close to their maximal ability.” (source)

Yes.  The whole concentrating on increasing the intensity is exactly what it takes!  I don’t know why this has taken me so long to figure out and accept!  I always think that I will be successful with an even effort. But the truth is that the longer one performs at a high level the harder it is to sustain that level.  Duh!  I’m seriously having all kinds of epiphanies over here!

It was just a perfect day for me to read something like this.  I don’t want to say that I’m not thrilled and over the moon about my recent BQ, because I AM!  But there’s something in me that wishes I had run a more effortless race.  I’ve been disappointed that it was such a struggle for me.  But after reading this article, I have let go of that disappointment.  I feel like I better understand what happened on race day and that it means I was pushing the boundaries of my current abilities.  I was stretching myself.  Now, by no means am I on the same playing field as the Ryan Halls and Kara Gouchers of the world…but I am learning that I can run on the brink of failure yet find success.

I’m sure that this is not new news, but I just found out recently that Ryan Hall is not going to be running in the Chicago Marathon this year.  I’m super bummed out about it.  After last year’s Boston where he ran an amazing race and broke the American record for that course he said that he was going to train and try to break the American record for the marathon at Chicago.  It’s what has been making me want to be there, to see him run into the history books.

If you want to read more about why he’s decided to drop out here is a link to the press release issued by the Chicago Marathon.

It is good for me to read about an elite runner who is choosing health over victory.  I can’t imagine the kind of stress and strain that they put on their bodies year after year.  Its a good reminder to me to stay in tune with my energy levels and make sure that I’m not pushing myself too hard or too fast.

I know the race is still going to be amazing and exciting, but I can’t help but be a little bummed that my favorite isn’t going to be out there come Sunday.  I’ll still tune in and see what happens, but its like watching the Super Bowl more for the party than really caring who wins…

Yes, I do realize that it has been a long time since I last posted.  I’ve written like 5 different posts in my head, but every time I tried to sit down and get my words out something would distract me.  Sometimes it was work, sometimes it was play.  Such is life for an off schedule summer-time teacher.  I doubt that I will return to any kind of schedule until August.  Until then, I’ll just have to be happy with the time that I get to post.

Here are the remnants of posts that I’ve started and not finished over the past week or so…

All That Yummy Food
I got to spend this weekend with my running sole mate Andi.  She’s getting settled in her new (gorgeous) apartment that just happens to be a mere 3 hour drive from my front door!  Our original goal was to explore her new city and find some great places for her to hang out.  We weren’t sure how to approach the vast un-know city, but then we got hungry.  She had a hankering for sushi and I wanted to enjoy some frozen yogurt.  And so a plan was hatched: we’d drive north, get some cheap (vegetarian) sushi from Whole Foods, check out Red Mango, on our way to downtown where we were going to get some fruit sushi from a trendy sushi place.  The whole evening was a success!

Procrastination Pays Off
I was supposed to run my 6 miler (longest since the marathon) on Sunday.  I left Andi’s because I knew that it would be at least 10 degrees cooler back at my house.  To this end I headed home mid-morning.  The drive was nothing spectacular.  I did get to see some pretty spectacular lightening and the heavy rain slowed me down some.  When I finally got home I sat around.  Then I sat some more.  Yes, I am a procrastinator.  Its my least favorite part of myself.  Anytime I’m sitting when I know I should be doing something I get so frustrated.  Not enough to get me to do anything about it…

I ended up waiting until Monday to run my miles.  You know what?  Monday was glorious!  The sun was out but it wasn’t hot.  I got to run on my favorite route.  There was a light breeze.  Everything was clicking.  The whole time I was running I was thinking “Man, I’m glad I didn’t go running yesterday!”  This is probably not the best for curing me of my procrastination…

Treadmill, how I Love Thee!
As a marathoner, I know that I’m supposed to loathe the treadmill and in all honesty I often have turned up my nose at the hamster-wheel like machine.  I might, might, be having a slight change of heart.  The husband and I are staying with my parents for the next two weeks and they happen to have a treadmill.  I hopped on it the other day to go for my 5 mile “recovery” run.  My main problem with recovery runs is that they are supposed to be at a slower pace and I can’t ever seem to hit my target.  I get so addicted to looking at Gigi (my garmin).  I look and slow down.  Look.  Slow down.  And so it goes.  But with the treadmill, I just set the pace and go.  Also, with a built-in fan pointed at my face and another fan directly in front of the treadmill I was set.  The temperature outside? 87 degrees.  Inside? 72.  PLUS…I was able to do some laundry, answer the phone, and spend time with my grandma.  All while getting my mileage in.  I’m totally SOLD.

Now, don’t get your nike tempo’s in a bunch…I’m not going to abandon the out-of-doors.  I can’t anyway, I don’t have access to a treadmill at my house.  But, while I’m here and while it’s smoldering hot, I’m going to enjoy this little machine.  I may even try bare-foot running a time or two…who knows…

The Runner’s Fuel
I am not good at meal planning.  That is my new half-year’s resolution.  I have some time on my hands this summer (not much, but some) and I want to use it to fine tune healthy balanced nutrition.  First off, my husband and I are both vegetarians.  Add to that several food aversions that Mr. Dawn suffers from…and that limits our diet significantly.  One of the biggest mis-perceptions about vegetarians is that we are inherently healthy eaters.  This is NOT the case.  I have a severe sweet tooth.  We both LOVE pizza.  And chips is probably the biggest sin of them all.

I want to get informed and then transform our eating.  About this time last year we talked about eating healthier and we did make a lot of changes.  We added in more fruits and veggies, cut out all “bad” carbs and replaced them with whole grains.  But I want to learn more about the nutritional benefits of food and what our bodies need so that we can be sure that we’re getting the vitamins and sustenance necessary.  In three weeks I start back into my marathon training regimen and I want to go into this cycle prepared to fuel my running.

Public Service Announcement**This site has been dealing with some technical difficulties that have frustrated the email subscription service….just wanted to let everyone know that for right now there won’t be emails going out.  We are working on that (and by “we” I mean my web guy) and hope to have it fixed or replaced very soon.  Until then you’ll just have to check in every so often to see what’s going on…**

One week into my training cycle and I am feeling full of doubt.  Today I printed off my schedule to hang on my fridge.  This time I decided to also print off my pace goals and interval times so that I wouldn’t always have to look at them on my computer.  There’s something so unnerving about looking at those numbers.  In order to qualify for Boston, I would have to run a 8:27 minutes per mile pace.  For ALL 26.2 miles.  Seriously?  That doesn’t seem doable.  At all…

I clipped up the plan and times then stood there staring at the papers.  What am I thinking?  Who am I kidding?  I’ve been running three times in the past three weeks and while it wasn’t a struggle…I wasn’t breaking any records or flying on air.  Running fast takes so much hard work!  At this point in time, I know that I can run marathons, I know that I can enjoy them, I even know that I can run faster…what I don’t know is if I can get fast enough.  I’m also starting to worry about the training and what training does to me.  I admit it.  I get a little obsessed when I am training with specific time goals in mind.  My poor husband…he really does put up with the brunt of my crazy.

Right now I feel like I could go either way.  I could back off and find a new goal or go for it and risk total failure.  As of yet I haven’t invested yet.  It’s still safe to back off.  Honestly whenever I think about it I feel like a scared little kid.

I used to be a gymnast.  I started when I was in second grade and I LOVED it!  It was so fun to learn new things and hang out with my friends.  But I was always scared to try something new, especially if there was a chance that I would not be good at it.  I remember when my teachers were trying to get me to do a back walkover on the balance beam.  I would stand there paralyzed with fear.  My right leg was extended in front of me, toes pointed in readiness.  My arms were lifted above my head ready to reach back and find the beam.  But I just couldn’t do it.  They had me practice on the floor until I could stay straight and on the line.  Then they moved me to a beam that was just a few inches off the floor.  No matter how much encouragement they gave me, as soon as I got on the real beam I would freeze up and refuse to try.

Now, I know that I can’t go back in time and force the little version of me to man-up and go for it.  But I can choose a different path today.  I can choose to try, even at the risk of failure.  I can put my heart out there and want something that seems impossible to do.  I can fail, recover and try again if I need to.

As a runner, I feel a full gamut of emotions as I power through a long run.  I live out a love/hate relationship every time I lace up my shoes.  I often wonder how one activity can awake such a torrent of opposing emotions and experiences.  Sometimes I feel like I must have a split personality.  Maybe I’m related to two-face from Batman…

On my Friday run while I was plowing through the miles I started to think about various dichotomies that coexist in me as a runner.

peace : worry
calm : urgency
joy : pain
accomplishment : disappointment
fear : courage
pride : shame
excitement : terror
exhaustion : energy
heightened awareness : zoned out
in touch with nature : annoyed with weather
prepared : impromptu
agile : stiff
fit : fatigue
fierce : fragile
connected : isolated

Running is the source for all these seemingly contradictory states of being.  Sometimes a run is just joy and ease.  Other days it is all willpower and stress.  Most of the time however the polarizing feelings listed find a way to coexist within me while I run.  I feel consumed by the contradictory.

The biggest challenge about this is trying to explain why I run to those who’ve never experienced how running brings out these conflicting paradigms.  I feel like I can’t ever talk about the downsides, the times I feel depressed because I didn’t run as strong as I wanted to, because that is just enough fuel for the non-runner to hold on to.  That’s what I love about having people who are also runners and understand that even though running can bring me negative emotions, it is also the source of my highest highs.  The feelings of accomplishment just can’t be beat.

What about you?  What does your list include?  I’m sure that we all have things in our lives that bring out an entire spectrum of emotions and experiences.  It is being a mother?  Your job?  Another form of exercise?  What contradictions do you live?