running: the dawn

To say the least I’ve been somewhat distracted lately.  As soon as I learned where we’d be moving I’ve been tweaking my resume, filling out applications, and checking job listings.  Its a full time job in itself.  Seriously.  I’m not sure how to walk this fine line separating my current life and my impending one.  Its a juggling act for sure and its very distracting.

Last Sunday we drove down to our soon-to-be hometown to look for housing.  We were there for four days.  I’d hope to get some running in, but we were up early and running all over looking at place after place.  It was a little more intense than I expected it to be.  We were going back and forth on every single aspect of our decision.  Hashing it all out.  Probably too much.

To add to that, I’m currently writing this update from a hospital.  Last night we brought Mr. Dawn in to the Emergency Room because of some serious stomach pain.  After a CT the doctor decided that he should be admitted for some tests.  So here we are.  It’s not a life threatening situation, but it is painful.  The GI doctor was suppose to stop by this morning, but it’s 11am and we haven’t see anyone yet.  And so we wait.

A few things that I’m thankful for is that we are in my parents’ home town.  We had already started our drive back home and were planning on staying with them for a few days.  I’m very grateful that we are someplace with friends and family around us.  It makes everything just that much easier.  Especially last night when I was able to go home and sleep in a comfortable bed.

Meanwhile there are just over 10 days until the Boston Marathon.  Right now all plans are still a go.  We’re operating under the assumption that they will do some tests today, we’ll be on our way back home sometime this weekend.  I’ll work Monday-Thursday and then it’s time to head east.

Honestly, I think that going to Boston couldn’t come at a better time.  It will be nice to be somewhere removed from either of my two “worlds” and be able to focus on a singular goal.  Now we just need to have a doctor stop by so we can start the healing process….

Sigh.

I wish that it had gone better…

Yesterday I realized that this is not just my 5th and final 20 miler for this training cycle, it is the last time I will get to do a long run here.  Next Saturday we’re looking for housing in our new home town.  I’ll be on spring break, which means that we can take our time and look for a place that is going to fit us.  We won’t be back here until the next weekend…and that will be 6 days before we leave for Boston.  CRAZINESS.

So, yeah.  My last long run here.  Instead of enjoying it and soaking it all in… all I could think about was how slow I was running and how much my legs hurt.  I was shocked that my legs didn’t hold up at all.  Sure…I haven’t been running as much lately, so its not necessarily a surprise.  At least it shouldn’t have been.

It was 20 degrees when I started, so instead of the “dress rehearsal” I was hoping for, I ended up having to layer on all of my winter running gear: tights, baselayer, fleece jacket, gloves, earwarmers, and neck gaiter.  I will admit that I did enjoy the first half of the run.  The blue sky.  My audiobook.  The beautiful country side.  I actually warmed up enough to have Mr. Dawn bring me my lighter jacket.

Then I got to the turn around.  And discovered that I had been running WITH the wind the entire time.  All of a sudden there was a severe headwind.  Add to that I was headed right into the hilliest section of the route.  It was pretty demoralizing.  Luckily Mr. Dawn had agreed to meet me just on the other side of the hills, so I pressed on to the promised land of our rendezvous location.  After filling up my water bottle and complaining to him about how brutal the wind was, I set out on my long trek towards home.

I walked.  Several times.  There was no crying, but there was a lot of moaning in pain.  Every so often I had to stop and stretch my legs so that I could keep running.

It’s not the way I wanted my last 20 miler to go down…I really wanted to head into Hopkinton with a great training cycle and all the confidence in the world.  I know that Boston is going to be the greatest race I’ll ever run in and I’m having to accept that it’s not going to be my best performance.  It’s a tough pill to swallow.  Because no matter how many times I say “I’ll just go for the experience,” there is a part of me that wishes I would be in peak condition for this race.

Also, today, I packed my first box for our big move!  Go me!!!  I’m starting to realize that since we’ll be gone for the next three weekends, then we’ll have guests for the two weekends after that (one of which is Mr. Dawn’s graduation weekend)…there isn’t going to be a lot of time to be wrapping, labeling, and putting into well-marked boxes.  So, I’ve got to start.  I guess it would be more correct to say I should start HELPING.  Cause Mr. Dawn is neck deep into the packing.  He’s got almost all of our books organized, separated, cataloged and put into rubbermaids.  Cause he’s that awesome.

Me?  I’ve packed one box.  Its a start…

Wow.  We are four weeks away from the Boston Marathon?  I seriously can’t believe it!  Time is flying and I cannot wait!!!!

A while ago, Mr. Dawn and I found out that we are moving.  He has been working on his master’s degree and graduates in about 6 weeks.  So, I guess that we knew that there would be some changes a comin’, but now we have the official word.  The countdown has begun.  72 days until we move 14 hours away from here.

I’ve been asked over and over again how I feel about this move.  My responses have always been about the same, “Oh we’re looking forward to it,” or “We’re excited to start a new chapter of our lives,” or “I don’t really mind where we live.”  All of these are true.  I am a generally content person, I tend to live in the moment and enjoy where ever I am.  It feels adventurous to think about living in a new place where we don’t really know anyone.

But the reality of actually MOVING drives me bananas.  Our house is already starting to be filled with boxes.  I am going to be working up to the day of the move and then another 3 weeks after my house here will be empty.  Mr. Dawn graduates the first weekend in May and he starts at his new job the first of June.  During that time he’ll load up the truck, head down to our new town, and start to live our new life.  I, on the other hand, teach until the last Friday in May, and then I have to do end of the year meetings and wrap-up.  I haven’t gotten a solid day that I’m actually going to be leaving here…but it will be sometime the middle of June.

I guess the bottom line is this:  I am excited to start my new life, but until that actually happens I’m going to let myself morn the life that I’m leaving behind here.  Next Sunday I’m going to run my last 20 miler on my favorite loop.  There will be a last time that we eat at our favorite pizza place.  The last meal in our lime-green kitchen.  Its going to be sad.  I’ll have to say goodbye to my students.  That’s going to break my heart.

Needless to say…I’ve been a little distracted from my running.  I am not sure how I’m going to squeeze in everything the next four weeks.  It’s going to be tough with work, packing, and training….but I am going to soak up every second of it!!

I am so embarrassed!

I had a 15 miler scheduled for yesterday.  I made it 12 miles.

Here’s the story:

I made plans to run with a new running buddy who had a 12 miler planned.  I was then going to just loop around my neighborhood and finish up the last three miles on my own.  Mr. Woods, I’ll call him, showed up right on time, ready to roll.  We headed out on my favorite 12-mile loop.  By mile four, I was beginning to feel an uncomfortable gurgling in my stomach.  At mile six I had to dash off into the woods.  As my GPS clicked off 8 miles I felt so close to vomiting I had to stop and walk.

I have always prided myself on having an iron stomach.  I can eat almost anything without ever dealing with negative consequences.  In fact, during part of the run Mr. Woods had been asking about my pre-race nutrition plan.  I was laughing about how I can really handle just about anything without a problem when I started feeling the percolating in my belly.

When I stopped to walk, I assured him that I would be fine and encouraged him to head on without me.  He did and I was left to walk until the nausea subsided.  Kicking myself I went through the the meals from Saturday, trying to pinpoint the culprit.  When I couldn’t find any fault with my lunch of lasagna and salad or my dinner of veggie tacos, I turned my attention to earlier that day.  Was it the pancakes?  No, couldn’t be…. the eggs?  Maybe, but I’ve never had problems with that before…

I finally felt decent enough to run the last four miles home.  By the time I got there I had given up all hopes of finishing those last three miles.  I walked into the kitchen and there on the table I found my answer.

I had run some errands in town before going on my run.  In line and Marshalls these jelly beans screamed out to me.  Sugar free?  Sour?  Yes please!  What you can’t read in that picture, and what I didn’t read until after the unfortunate run is the little warning in the lower right hand corner.  It reads, “Consumption may cause stomach discomfort and/or laxative effect.  Individual tolerance will vary; we suggest starting with 8 beans or less.”

Awesome.

But you know what’s MORE awesome than that?  The fact that this EXACT SAME thing has happened to me before.  Not just “oh I accidentally ate something that was a laxative”…NO.  I have eaten this exact bag of beans before.  Right before I drove 11 hours in my car.  And I wondered why my stomach was so upset.  And I found the bag after the fact.  And read the label and had a good laugh at myself.

Last night as I laid in bed there was a full three-ring circus in my abdomen.  Complete with lions roaring, clowns juggling, acrobats flying, and my poor husband trying to sleep next to me.

Note to self: READ!

I just hope I can convince Mr. Woods that I’m not usually one to wimp out on a long run…

Um.  I’m pretty sure I almost died yesterday.  No seriously.  There was a mouse.  In my classroom.

Monday afternoon was the first sighting of the rodent.  It was just as school was ending and I came back into my classroom from being across the hall in the computer lab.  There were students mingling around and I saw a mouse dart out from my room and disappear into the room next to mine.  Um…excuse me?  I don’t remember giving a visitor’s pass to any disease carrying animals.

After all the students left, I was working on worksheets and lesson plans like any good diligent teacher would be.  And when I stood up from my desk to see how my handiwork looked after I printed it.  I froze after two steps.  I felt its eyes on me.  I glanced down and sure enough, the rascal was back, under a table looking at me with its beady little eyes.  Once again it scampered off before I could find where it was coming from.

Fast forward to yesterday right before my calculus class.  Several students had shown up to work on homework and get their questions answered.  In the spirit of full disclosure and wanting to give the heads up for the impending danger, I told everyone that I’d seen a mouse multiple times in the last 24 hours.  Quickly the girls zipped up their bags and moved all their belongings to the tops of the tables.

Not two minutes later, the gray tormentor stalked into the room.  Me, being the responsible adult in the room quickly set the example for appropriate actions by leaping onto my chair and screaming.  Several students followed suit.  However there were a few brave souls that decided to corral the animal and deposit him/her outside.

Finally.  I feel free. Ok, to be honest I do keep looking around…wondering when its going to find its way back in….

In my defense, this is NOT my first traumatizing episode with mice.  There was the summer camp drama of 1999.  And do even get me started about the 13 mice that lost their lives in the great battle of the attic apartment in 2005.

So, this entire time, I’ve been under the impression that I have 4 20-milers on my schedule.  That is a HUGE jump for me up from just 2 for my last two cycles.  Well, I’ve been wrong.  Upon further investigation I discovered that I don’t have 4, but rather 5!  Eeep.  Good one Dawn.  Way to be ontop of that whole counting thing…  But I guess now would be the best time for me to find that out…since I just finished my 3rd one yesterday. Its good to know that I’m half way done with my 20′s.

That’s right, 3 20-milers DONE!

This one was probably the easiest.  Mainly because of my s.l.o.w. pace.  I’ve been trying to slow down my long runs because they’ve been wearing me out so much lately.  Its so hard for me to keep my pace controlled when its just me and the open road, so I found a buddy to run with me.  She’s currently training for marathon #2.  Her schedule is all over the place so she doesn’t run all that often.  She had a 9-miler that she needed to do and I figured it would be just the thing to keep my legs in check.

It was chilly, but not super cold when we set out at 10am.  The nine miles pasted fairly easily.  She wanted to walk up all the hills and take it fairly easy.  We ended up with an average pace around 12:00 including all the walking.  We chatted about life and relationships and running and marathons.  You know, the usual .

Then after a quick pit stop at my house I was back out to do the 11 mile loop solo.  It was  uneventful.  I think running the first half so slowly helped me to keep the pace in check.  I did the second part with an average of 9:00 per mile.

That brings me to this:

• 7 weeks til Boston!
• 4 weeks til the taper begins
• 2 more 20-milers
• 3 weeks of taper

Seriously.  When I think about the time as “weeks til taper” I start to get super excited!!!!  I mean, right now I feel like things are going really well.  I feel like I’ve rediscovered my love of running in the past few weeks, especially since I have geared down on my speed goals.  I’ve just been running with joy and spending time with friends.  It’s been awesome.  And the sun has been returning to us here in the gloomy north.  I can feel spring creeping in slowly and I cannot wait!

I deleted my Facebook.

Shocking, I know.

I have been thinking about how hard it is to build and maintain quality relationships.  How easy it is to feel disconnected from people that I live near.  I was using facebook (and other social media) to try to feel close to people that I live far away from to the neglect of people that surround me in my life here.  I want to live life fully and be invested as much as I can with the local community that I find myself a part of…and I haven’t been.

Also, when I browse through my news feed, I feel pulled into “past lives” that I no longer am a part of.  When I see friends that I’m not as close with I feel overwhelmed with guilt.  I think to myself, “I should call her.”  Then, when I don’t, I feel more ashamed because I realize I’ve let a friendship die.

The last straw for me was realizing that facebook is the only place where all my pasts collide.  I’m friends with people who I’ve taught, knew in elementary school, did gymnastics with, played basketball with….past versions of myself that I don’t feel like carrying around everyday.  I want to be who I am now.  Today.  Here.  Facebook has been the place where I am forced remember who I was when I worked at camp.  The mistakes I made in college.  The horrible haircut I had in fourth grade (yes, there were pictures and yes I was tagged in them).

True, eliminating that one site from my bookmark list won’t solve all these problems, but its a step I needed to take for me.  A step that I’m hoping helps me live in the moment and rejoice over the blessed life that I have.

Lately I feel like all I’ve been doing is playing catch up.  I have stack of papers to grade, recommendations to write, blogs to catch up on, grocery lists, laundry piles….and the list goes on.  I hate feeling like I start every day one step behind.

Luckily, amidst all this chaos, I’ve been able to continue to run and had some pretty outstanding workouts.

• 18 miles of bliss ran solo in 47 degrees @8:46 pace
• recovery run with KT
• 3 mile tempo at 7:22 with the Gazelle
• track workout with KT: 2x(6×400) with the 400′s staying in the lower 1:30 range
• 13 mile long run while traveling out of town @8:27 pace
• Jazzercise (of course) multiple times, even once at home so I could keep the laundry going before our trip

I feel like I’m experiencing a weird blend of feeling pure contentment with life as a whole and feeling overwhelmed in several areas of my life.  When I’m able to step back and think about everything as a whole, my cup of joy is overflowing.  But when I wake up on any particular day I feel like there are not enough minutes to get everything done that I want to do.

Thank you so much to everyone who has emailed, commented, and/or facebook’d me wondering if everything is ok!  I feel so loved   I will not be out of touch forever, I promise!  I have a lot of catching up to do on blogs….I can’t wait to see what I’ve been missing!

So, with all my down-er attitude lately, apparently I haven’t been that fun to live with.  This afternoon Mr. Dawn asked, “Are you going to Jazzercise?”  Quickly followed by, “I think you should.”  Implying that I need a little endorphin boost, shaking my groove thing to my favorite songs.  I took the hint, sweated out the grumps and I’m feeling 100% better.

And now I think it’s time that I start focusing on the positive.  A few weeks ago, while running with the Gazelle, we started listing off our favorite things about running in the wintertime.  Here’s what we’ve come up with so far:

1. Less body glide. Yes, I still sweat in the winter, but not NEARLY as much.  So there is far less chafing which leads to a decline in the need for lathering on layer after layer like I do in the summer months.
2. Pockets for storage. I love wearing a jacket and/or tights with little storage compartments already built in.  I don’t have to use my spibelt or ifitness belt but I can still have my ipod, phone, and gels all accessible.
3. Wearing clothes multiple times. Ok, so that might be gross to some, but with less sweating there is less stinking and I can usually get a couple wears out of each item.  And sign me up for less laundry any day!
4. Solid precipitation. In the winter, if something is falling from the sky, its almost always snow.  Snow does not soak into my clothes or make me feel like I’m carrying around 10 extra pounds of water like it does when I run in the rain.  Snow beats rain any day.
5. Frozen gels.  I LOVE cold Gu.  Seriously, it tastes even better when its slightly frozen and a little thicker.  It’s easier to swallow too, without coating every single corner of my mouth.
6. Feeling hardcore. There’s nothing like running through a semi-blizzard while everyone else in bundled up inside to make me feel like a warrior.  Sure, people look at me like I’m completely nuts, but that just adds to the fun of it all.
7. Ice baths don’t feel as miserable. Seriously.  On Sunday, after my miserable run, the ice bath felt just slightly colder than I had been for three hours outside.  I didn’t even flinch getting in.  And really, one might argue that you don’t need an ice bath at all since you basically run in an ice bath the entire time!
8. Hot chocolate recovery drinks.  Ok, so this I tried for the first time this weekend, but I kind of loved it.  I took a dark hot chocolate packet, mixed it with two tablespoons of chocolate rice protein powder and drank that while in my ice bath.  Best. Idea. Ever.
9. Resistance training. Cause running on slippery slushy roads is almost identical to running on sand.  And we all can agree that running on sand is crazy hard.  So, I’m getting double returns on my investment, right?  Don’t answer that.
10. The scenery. I love fresh fallen snow.  I love snow covered trees.  There is seriously nothing more quite and peaceful than running in snow.  The layer of snow dampens the sounds and makes everything feel a little more magical.  Like Narnia.  But without the witch…

There you have it.  My reasons to love running in the winter months.  Do you have any to add to the list?

There’s about a million blog titles that I thought of while running today:

“The worst 20 miler ever”

“The day that running betrayed me”

“Why do I do this to myself?”

“Isolated and alone”

OK, so maybe I’m being a little melodramatic.  I may have been way into theater in high school and college.  I may tend to over dramatize my every day life.  I may embellish stories to make a point.  But I do know that this will go down in my memory as one of the hardest runs that I have ever done in training.

It started this morning while I was sitting on the couch watching the snow fall like crazy.  For hours.  A fresh 2 inches of snow did not make me want to get up and go.  At one point in time, I think I was actually curled up in the fetal position on my bed telling Mr. Dawn that I was NOT going to run outside today.  But then it stopped snowing and I knew that I would feel more accomplished if I went out and faced my fears.

My main fear was that I was facing this 20-miler all by myself.  This would be the first 20 miler since 2005 when I was training for my first marathon.  Since then, I’ve been blessed with running buddies on all of my long runs.  There have been long runs that I have done some or most of the miles by myself, but my longest solo run stood at 16 miles.  Until today.

By the time I actually started it was snowing again.  Not much, but enough to make me wish that I had goggles or glasses or something to protect my eyes.  I started passing the time by counting how many snowflakes landed in my eyes.

On the positive side, I love my 20 mile route.  I’ve run it 3 or 4 times in the last year, and I just LOVE it!  I zig-zag through the back country roads heading in one direction for only 2 miles at a time.  I never run on the same section of road more than once and I get to run on some pretty killer hills.  The furthest section is my favorite, a dirt road that winds around a beautifully hidden lake.  And with the snow, I dealt with very few cars.

Mentally, I was beat before I even started.  Usually I get into a nice groove a couple miles in and feel like I could run forever.  That “zone” never came today.  I felt each step.  I had to decide to pick up and put down my feet every single time.  At first my laces were too loose, then I tightened them too much but didn’t want to stop and fix it.

I ran out of water at mile 11.  And that is what broke my spirit.  I texted Mr. Dawn to let him know that I’d reached the turn around and was headed home…but I was running on empty.  Three miles later I lost all faith in myself.  I desperately wanted something to drink and felt like a complete failure.

I have never felt this isolated during a run.  Running is usually a friend, and even when I am by myself I never feel alone.  Except for today.  I hadn’t seen another person in two hours.  I felt so lonely and defeated.  I badly wanted to sit down in the snow bank and just cry.  I pulled out my phone to text Mr. Dawn to come and get me and while I was fumbling with the keyboard, I got an incoming call from him.

“Where are you?” He asked.  I croaked out my answer.  “I’ll be there in a minute.”  He brought me water.  He told me that I was going to make it.  I drank half my handheld, filled it again, stretched my legs, and started to believe his words.  One thing I love about my husband–he has learned exactly what to say to me as a runner.  He never says “You’re almost done!” or “Its easy” or “You’ve done this before!”  He knows to say, “You are looking strong,” and “I believe in you.”

The last six miles were no cake walk, but I felt so much better after seeing him and getting more water.  I always end my long runs about a half mile from home so I can walk a bit.  Today, this was NOT a good idea.  That walk home was miserable.  My legs were completely dead and it was all I could do to keep from sitting down.

I got home, took an ice bath (Mr. Dawn had also stopped to buy me ice!), and ate.  I’m starting to feel more like myself.  But I’m sure I won’t soon forget this run.  Luckily I have a step back week coming and three weeks until my next 20-miler.

During a hard run, what do you most NEED to hear?
I mostly need people to reassure me that I don’t look tired, that my form is still strong, and that they believe in me.